This morning at 3:30 AM I woke up in an APPLE PANIC! I had pre-ordered an iPhone 6 but I realized that I NEED the iPhone 6 Plus!!! All the reports said that the Plus won’t be available till mid october so canceling my pre-order for the 6 and pre-ordering the plus would have literally killed me. I would have been in the back seat of an Oldsmobile while I watched my friends make out with their model girlfriends in the front seat thinking, “You guys kiss now, I’ll get the same model to kiss me in two months. Two whoooooooooole months, which I am tooootally fine with…. I hate your models.”
Let me set the table. I’ve had the iPhone 4s way past its usability date. The camera froze, the apps didn’t work, I couldn’t connect to the internet, it started crying all the time. Maybe I’ve been a little too excited for the 6, but the way I saw it, I had done my time. I watched as all these happy Apple idiots got their iPhone 5 and then the 5s. I waited patiently because I wanted a bigger screen (sorry Jobs). I’ve admired the Samsung for a couple years and was hoping Apple would follow suit. And then the keynote, boom, bigger everything! Christmas in September! I was going for the 6 Plus for sure. I was playing out scenarios of what it would be like with a huge screen — people congratulating me, admiring me from about a mile away, the NASA Space Station sending me emoji’s of a pair of binoculars and then a thumbs up. Then came the criticism. Everyone said it was too big. “You don’t want a mini mini iPad,” “It won’t fit in your pocket,” “You’ll break it,” “You’ll shoot your eye out”… It was a very dark and confusing time for me. I started to wander the internet late at night for some dimly lit site that said the Plus was going to be okay. It seemed that everyone was against the Plus. So I gave in and when pre-order day rolled around, I pre-ordered the iphone 6 around 5am the morning. I had actually tried to order it at midnight but Apple’s website crashed. I fell asleep with my computer on my chest and as soon as I opened my eyes I immediately placed my order without having to do anything but move my fingers on the keyboard, like one of those future us’s from WALL-E. I submitted my order and it went through!!! I was getting the iphone 6 on launch day.
YESSSSS!!!! WAIT! NOOOOOOOO!!! I looked at the order confirmation on my screen and realized I want the 6 PLUS. Why did I let these assholes talk me into fucking ordering the phone I didn’t want. I started asking for people’s opinions on Facebook. “Is the Plus really that big?”. I was begging for someone to confirm what I felt in my heart, that I made a huge mistake ordering the 6. THEN, Apple announced that the iPhone 6 Plus was placed on extreme back order. THEN, friends started admitting they got the iPhone 6 PLUS!!!!! My girlfriend made a mock up of the Plus. I LOVED IT. I put in my pocket. I pretended to text people with it. I put it to my ear and posed in the mirror. That night I went to Korean BBQ with my girlfriend (who is of Korean decent) and her friends (who are also of Korean decent) who have these giant Samsungs. I stared at the phones and asked so many questions that my girlfriend asked them if I could hold one of their phones and pretend it was mine. “This aint so bad, in fact, I NEED IT BIGGGGG.” As I held the Samsung I knew I was really in a bind. I ordered one phone but wanted the other, hard to get one. Hmmmm, okay, I would need a plan if I was going to get the PLUS on the first day it’s available instead of waiting until October. So I started thinking. I used to work at Apple (did I leave that out because I am embarrassed by that??). I know they have a surplus of everything. I decided I would go in, cause a scene and get the PLUS on LAUNCH DAY. But in order for this to work I’d have to do it from the line. I would have to sit in line…the nerdy dork loser Apple launch day line! I haven’t sat in a line to give my money to a company since the Playstation 2 came out in college, and that was only bearable because I got drunk and my friends kept driving by with treats and Jack Daniels refills. I’m 36 now, am I really going to sit in line as an adult BY MYSELF for a dumb couple inches??….Easy answer, YES.
The iphone 6 plus mock up we made, next to some toothbrushes and toothpaste. For the whole series of photos click here.
So my plan was hatched. I decided I would wake up at 4AM and go and wait in line and cause a scene until they gave my the bigger phone. But then I started to have regrets. “No way am I going to sit in line with Apple weirdos. I hate Apple. I hate the weirdo fanboys/girls. I hate the clap in that they do. FUCK APPLE.” …..But the PLUSSSSSSS. I like-a the plus. So, going back to the beginning, 3:30 AM roles around, I have my Apple Panic attack, I get in my car, drive down to the Grove outdoor mall in LA and sit down in the pre-order line. I am 6th in line. I am going to be one of the first ten people in the store. HOW EMBARRASSING. I sit on a sidewalk with cockroaches running in and out of the sewer up against the American Girl store. I look into the dead eyes of a stupid doll that looks like a creepy Child of the Corn and realize, I must look stupiderest. And then I have another panic attack. “Why am I doing this. Who am I. I am thirty six years old and I am sitting Indian style on the GROUND surrounded by fucking WEIRD-OS”. Sorry if you were there waiting in line with me, but you guys are weird or young or both. But I battle my inner turmoil and sit on the cold cement trying to read my book or find anyone I could on Facebook to talk to as time slowly ticks closer to the 8AM open.
Then 6am hits, and the happy Apple store robot-people come running out with coffee and treats. They talk down to everyone as if we are children waiting for a carnival ride, but everyone loves it and responds like children waiting for a carnival ride. I couldn’t believe it. Again, inner panic attack. What the fuck am I doing here.
Then around 7AM they escort the front of the line to the entrance doors of the stupid store. The Apple employees are disgustingly happier up here by the front. They pass around the two models of the 6. FINALLY, I GET TO SEE THE IPHONE 6 PLUS, IN PERSON! The phone that I will fight tooth and nail for. I hold it. It’s HUGE, but it’s beautiful. I love it. I am getting it. But I am not showing any excitement because the Apple manager(?) is looking at me and waiting for a huge reaction, and I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. With my best acting, I hand the beautiful amazing wonderful Plus back to her, unimpressed. Then the 6 comes by, “no thanks,” I pass it along without really looking at it. Then I realize, WAIT, I DIDN”T PUT THE 6 PLUS IN MY POCKET. I need to put it in my pocket. i need to see if everyone is right. If it’s too big. If it’s unreasonable to get this larger-than-a-pop-tart phone!!!! The Plus is gone. I’ll have to test it once I get my own.
8 AM, the store opens. The employees form a clap line so they can “clap us in”. I HATE this. When I was in training for Apple, we PRACTICED the “clap in.” I walk into the store and up those stupid glass stairs, 6th in line to get my new phone. I look at all those clapping idiots’ faces and get so mad and angry. They are looking at us like we are under privileged kids and they’re giving us presents and a hot meal. GROSSSSSSS. One of the employees grabs me and introduces himself. Let’s protect the innocent here and call him “DUMB.” So Dumb asks if I am excited. I immediately put on my upset face. “Actually I HAVE A PROBLEM. I ordered the 6 Plus and I actually got the 6. Your system sucks. I don’t know what to do. What do we do? I am not leaving without a Plus”. I kept going. I was fired up, I was ACTING. Then Dumb responds with, “Not a problem, let me get the plus. It’s three step process so bear with me”. Oh. Okay. He leaves and comes back with the Plus and the 6. He puts both on the counter and tells me how this is going to work. “I’ll just go through with this purchase and then return it and then give you the plus as a new purchase. Probably take 15 minutes”. I was stunned. So easy. I am so happy. I pull out my wallet. But wait. The 6 Plus box is fucking ridiculously big. Wait, it’s wayyyyy too big. Dumb looks at me and like a Jedi, he knows somethings wrong. What’s up, rethinking the 6 Plus?” With my hands to my chest like a mother seeing her child for the first time, I respond. “Why…yes”. Dumb then escorts me down the stairs and let’s me play with both phones. He’s, well, he’s really helping me out. Like if he were a psychologist he was letting me act out my ifantasies. As I touch and hold and look at the Plus I realize….the phone is too big. No way around it. It’s WAY too big. I can’t do it. The thing that ruined my life since the Keynote because I couldn’t have it is tooooooo bigggggg. I look Dumb in the eyes, “I can’t do this…” I am expecting a “psssh” or a “fffft” but Dumb is totally cool. He understands. He is a better employee than I was, than I would have ever been if I stayed at the store instead of just not showing up one day and telling my manager I was “depressed.” Dumb got me my new phone, the iphone 6. So I guess I woke up at 3:30 AM and waited in line like a dumb fucking idiot, for nothing.
Video I took walking through the clap line… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcZtkeLsaJ4
So, sorry for the lackluster ending, I got the six that I pre-ordered lying down on the floor of my apartment at 5AM. I am a PROUD owner of an iphone 6. And brand new noise canceling Inspiration Monster head phones. YES, monster did a promotion and gave the first ten people in line HEADPHONES. REALLY NICE HEAD PHONES. So I am happy, finally, until the 6 1/2 S comes out. Oh man, if only there was a size in the middle of these two phones. THAT would be perfect.
Me with my new iphone 6. Why does it look like I’m missing a tooth? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. I’m happy.